Women are fascinating creatures.
They can act crazy one instant, and sweet and loving the next. They claim to hate assholes, yet seem to go for them. They say they want you to do something, yet get pissed off when you actually do it.
For most men, women are mysterious creatures whose true wishes are impenetrable.
But in truth, what women really want from men is simple.
(if confusing to implement)
They want a man who makes them feel comfort and desire.
Desire and comfort are the two sides of attraction, and if a man not only wants to attract but keep a woman, he must bring both of these to the table.
Sadly, however, most men don’t do this.
Let’s take a look at the nature of comfort and desire and find out why.
How Do Men Create Comfort?
To understand how to create comfort, you must first understand that “comfort” actions are designed to make life easier for a woman.
Ergo, a man who is good at creating comfort will:
– be wealthy, or wealthy enough they can live comfortably for her tastes
– prioritize making his woman orgasm
– take care of the house / things around the house
– care relatively equitably for children (if applicable)
– act like a gentleman, doing things to accommodate her
– commit to her and make her feel like it
– listen to her and handle her emotions with unconditional love
– think of her in the things he does, consider how they impact her
– empathize with her when she is upset, be consoling
– be complimentary to her
– make her feel safe around him
– share his vulnerabilities with her so she knows him better
– be agreeable and cooperative
– be acceptable to social circles so she feels accepted by them
These traits are always important, but especially so when a woman is thinking about “settling down” with a guy (more on this later).
Understand: Women need comfort because a woman without comfort in her dynamic with a man won’t feel secure in her relationship. She will be anxious and uncertain, and will process this fear and frustration by becoming increasingly upset and emotionally volatile.
The result will be a dramatic, unstable relationship.
If a man doesn’t create adequate comfort, the woman might still desire the man for a time, but the stress gradually will take a toll on her positive feelings for him and the relationship. If not corrected, eventually things will end.
(As an aside: Counterintuitive as it might be, a man who just creates comfort won’t make the situation much better for him. Without desire, women will create drama for the sake of excitement and entertainment. If she doesn’t and there’s no desire, that’s a bad sign she’s emotionally moved on all-together. Watch out for cheating.)
So we’ve established comfort is necessary, but not sufficient for a good relationship. Desire is needed too. But what do guys do to create it?
How Do Men Create Desire?
To understand how to create desire, you must first understand that “desire” actions are designed to make life more exciting for a woman.
Guys create desire through many different mechanisms, but one is universal: men who create desire are always in control of the frame. Sure, you might get away with losing it here and there, but in the long term failure to maintain frame means failure to create desire. You cannot be basing your decisions on her emotional whims and expect to keep her attracted.
This means on a fundamental level you need to be self-directed. Think of it like this: You are creating a good time for yourself first and foremost. Any woman who wants to join is welcome to. You’re not trying to read her mind and make her “happy.” You are doing you.
Guys who create desire are, among other things:
– confident about their value vis-a-vis women
– assertive in going after they want with women, express their interests
– dominant in their interactions with women and others, act as a leader
– high status
– courageous in what they do and think, not looking for approval
– prone to risk-taking behavior
– aggressive and competitive
– witty and clever, not afraid to push-buttons, tease girls
– acting in accordance with their own interests
– jokers who prioritize self-amusement over response
– powerful and influential, expect their opinion and view to reign
– unafraid of the “crowd’s” thoughts, do what they want
– physically formidable and strong
– stand up for themselves
– unfazed by others’ emotional responses to their actions
– mentally strong and resilient
Women prioritize these types of traits in men particularly when they are in a “single” state of mind. This is especially common in a girl’s youth (more on this soon).
Yet it would be foolish to say that only young, single women care about desire. Women of all ages and stages crave these traits in their men, and for a simple reason: they hate boredom and they love leaders.
After all, if a man is not submissive to a woman he is likely to not be submissive to other men too, which means she can rely upon him. If he believes he is high value, he probably is. If he is out in the world doing things he wants, he is likely living a life he enjoys (which she might enjoy too). Fearless men are fun men, because their lives are filled with adventure.
Yet as we have seen, desire is not enough for something longterm. Women will leave men who do not know how to create comfort, no matter how desirous they are. So which is more important at the end of the day, comfort or desire?
Which Is More Important, Comfort or Desire?
As much as I hate to break the news to all the nice guys out there, if you want to attract women, generally desire is more important than comfort.
Desire is not only what most men these days lack the ability to create, it’s also what men need the most to get laid – and plays no small part in keeping women around. In my experience, desire is what most men need to focus on. Indeed, most romances won’t even happen – no matter how much comfort is present – if desire doesn’t occur first.
Yet desire isn’t always more important than comfort.
Though girls looking to “sow their oats” are far more interested in experiencing desire, women looking to “settle down” feel the opposite: they want comfort.
This gradual transition is tied dramatically to a woman’s age. As women get older, they increasingly prefer comfort in their interactions with men.
You can witness this transformation first-hand if you talk to a girl who suddenly becomes pissed off at all the “immature” guys around her… even if those were the type of guys she only recently used to hook up with.
She may have enjoyed the fun before, but now that she’s looking for someone “serious,” these “fun” guys (who suck at creating comfort) are no longer viable options.
But I don’t want there to be any illusions here, because it’s easy to think about this situation in black and white. There are a lot of guys out there who are good at creating comfort, yet are routinely rejected by women in the “sexual marketplace” – including women who are looking to settle down.
That’s because girls haven’t given up their interest in having desire, they just want comfort as well.
They want their cake and eat it too.
Yet of course, guys who create comfort and desire are rare (or you wouldn’t be reading this article to find out what women really want from men). So inevitably, not all girls get what they are looking for. Some stay single as a result, but others inevitably begin compromising on their desire needs to get some modicum of comfort before the options get worse.
In other words, they settle.
Which is why so many married women today are unhappy.
Is Age The Only Factor In A Woman’s Desire / Comfort Switch?
What Do Women Really Want From Men?
Although age corresponds heavily with a woman’s attraction preferences, a woman’s individual circumstances also matter significantly. Individual personality inclinations aside (which make a huge impact), women’s dating lives cycle through the comfort/desire dynamic.
Women in relationships defined by comfort now are more likely to have their next relationships defined by desire. Women in relationships defined by desire now are more likely to have their next relationships defined by comfort. The cycle shifts back and forth, as women are constantly searching for the balance in men they so rarely get.
Additionally, one of the main reasons women prefer comfort as they get older is that they want to have a family. But if they have a family earlier in life and then get divorced, that need for comfort might flip back to desire despite her age. Such women already have their children and may or may not now care about settling down with someone for the long term.
Finally, though it is admittedly rare in the modern west, not all young girls prefer desire over comfort. But it’s important to understand why.
Usually, these girls come from an impoverished or anxious background (or: due to strong cultural influences they want to start families early). For various reasons these girls simply don’t have the luxury to prioritize a badass – they want stability and emotional support – and they appreciate it. Charming dudes mean shit if they can’t pay the bills and make her feel safe and secure. (But note: once some of these girls have this comfort needs met, they may suddenly require more desire. This can lead to not so fun situations. Beware!)
As an aside, it’s interesting to consider that if we lived in a different world, girls prioritizing comfort would probably be the norm. Head back to an era where women had little and relied on men for them and their children’s survival – you better believe comfort was more important to them than desire. But in our current world where most women have their basic “provisioning” needs met either by themselves or the state, women care far less about someone stable; they want someone exciting.
Desire used to be a bonus in relationships; now women prioritize it above all else up until they’re ready to have children.
It’s a fascinating how society’s attraction preferences evolve based on the circumstances.
The Truth About Attraction
We have talked in broad-strokes about most men bringing to the table either desire or comfort in their relationships with women. In truth, however, it’s rarely that one dimensional. Most men lean towards comfort or desire – and even then, the amount of that comfort and desire they bring to the table varies. One man might create more comfort than desire, but the amount of desire he creates might still be far higher than another man who we’d consider to be on the desire-side of the spectrum.
In other words, although desire and comfort do exist in some ways in opposition to each other, they are not zero sum, and paradoxically, the more you can utilize both of them, the more attractive you will be.
That’s right: the more comfort you can create, the more the desire you create will be appealing… and vice versa.
Comfort and desire magnify each other.
And this same rule exists in reverse.
If you’re a one-trick pony who is 100% desire traits, you’re going to lose a lot of women (though to be fair – you might sleep with a fair number of them first).
And over time, the more you exhibit only one of the two traits, the less attractive overall you become.
Women have no respect for men who are 100% comfort, and grow to despise men who are 100% desire.
They like a guy to mix it up.
Desire and comfort feed off of each other, and the more of a “complete man” you can be the better. This is particularly true if you focus on the traits you are weakest at. Mitigate the damage there, and your overall value to a woman will grow exponentially. Polishing our weaker areas only makes the strong ones shine more brightly.
The Ideal Formula For Attraction
So, we’ve established the importance of desire and comfort co-existing together at this point, but is there any specific way to approach these two elements of attraction?
Of course!
We by now understand the paradox of attraction: the more you emphasize the traits you are weakest in, the more attractive your stronger traits become; the less you emphasize the traits you are weakest in, the less attractive your stronger traits become.
This means that effective attraction is the constant interspersing of desire with comfort and vice- versa.
This “formula of attraction” accomplishes a couple of things.
One, it establishes a strong base of mystery. Women are always trying to “peg” guys. But what runs through her mind if the braggadocios asshole out of the blue buys her flowers with a sweet note? It throws her off guard… BIG TIME. She’s asking herself “who is this man?,” and the more she asks herself it, the more she wants to know.
Understand: the less you fit into a predictable box, the more she’ll be thinking about you… and the more she’ll want you.
Here’s an illustration of how you might look if you showed that unpeggable spirit:
“You start by approaching the girl with confidence and strong eye contact, teasing her / messing with her, and then once she’s putty in your hands, you let the conversation drift into something personal with her… all the while listening and empathizing.
Then once that bonding part of the conversation’s finished, tease her (warmly) some more, begin to escalate, and then call an Uber to take her back to your nice, furnished apartment.
Once inside, you pour her some wine and chit-chat briefly, but soon enough you’re kissing her, acting tender with her, passionately exploring her body. You go down on her and make her cum. And then, once she’s still reveling in her ecstasy, you take her aggressively from behind, grab her hair, and display your sexual dominance.”
Of course, this but an example of how things could go down. A “true artist” of attraction is able to play around with this. But look at the themes. You can constantly see how some of these actions bring to the experience comfort and others desire for a girl.
It starts with desire (confident approach and teasing), then comfort (empathizing and listening), then desire again (cocky/funny and escalating), then comfort (convenient / classy transportation and awesome pad / wine), then a different form of comfort (tender sex), finished off by desire (animalistic sex). Suffice to say, for a girl, this would be a hell of an experience.**
(**This is the 21st century, so I’ve got to make what should be an obvious disclaimer: No means no. Absolutely do not do anything in the bedroom she’s not cool with. While “sexual dominance” is clearly not rape as she is consenting, the power dynamic resembles it, and you need to be 100% aware of the vibe going on between the two of you at all times. Tread carefully, and if you can’t, don’t do it. Your mindset will play a huge role in how you will come across.
Anyway, I’ll leave it at that. Sex is a grey area and our society is not mature enough to discuss it honestly. Make sure you always approach sex like a human being who reads social cues, not like a robot.)
The example above – with all the switching between different types of desire and comfort – shows the magnification rule at its best. Because you are not a one-trick pony, she doesn’t get bored with any one move you pull. And even better than that: she starts to convince herself that you’re one of those few guys who knows how to do it all.
It’s a seduction compound effect. One final thing.
Although the best interactions for women are mixes of comfort and desire, make sure you always begin them with desire.
Desire is rough, attention-grabbing. It establishes the frame that you are a self-directed man.
And it leaves no illusion that any “comfort” actions you take come from a place of strength.
The ideal formula for attraction is to lead the interaction with desire, gradually interspersing it with more comfort and desire as time goes on.
Girls like a tough, confident guys… but they love a tough, confident guy with a soft side who just so happens to be living the life. Be that guy.
Conclusions
If you know how to create comfort and desire in a woman, you hold the keys on how to make a woman fall for you… and to keep her feeling that way about you for the rest of your life.
If you want to be that man, you will have to accept that women want both ease and excitement. They want adventure and security. They want a lover and a provider.
It’s not an easy man to build, but if you manage to do it, you’ll never have a problem attracting and keeping women ever again.
Just remember it gets easier – and the rewards get better – the more you grow.
– Pat
