WHEN BUILDING SEXUAL TENSION BECOMES A MISTAKE
I’ve recently received some flak for a position I’ve taken that “it can be better to wait to have sex (or even kiss) a woman on a first date.”
A friend of mine had a GREAT date with a woman, filled with flirting, chemistry, etc. But he didn’t kiss her (on my general advice) even though he could have, and to his chagrin – she didn’t return his texts the next day.
Was I wrong?
It certainly seems like it.
But my guilt wasn’t so much in being incorrect as not being clear.
We’ll get to all of this, but first lets talk about why I gave that advice in the first place.
Different Strokes For Different Folks
Much of the dating community’s advice is geared towards “rapid escalation” and hooking up with a girl as quickly as possible.
Though I’ve gone down that route, it’s not my style, and so I don’t talk about it much here. Indeed, if anything I try to challenge conventional dating wisdom.
So while I’ve got nothing against one night stands, with exceptions they are not really my thing. I much prefer to have a series of romantic, short-term non-exclusive relationships with a handful of girls, bringing new ones in and screening ones out who don’t make the cut for an exclusive relationship (if that’s what I’m in the market for).
In other words, I focus more on creating a “harem” – while screening for a single, high-quality relationship – rather than acquiring a bunch of “lays.”
My game is thus geared to accomplish two things: high base-line levels of sexual tension and bonding / comfort.
It is NOT geared towards getting some action the first night.
Ergo, if a guy’s priority is having sex with as many girls as possible, he is not going to like my system.
(That’s ok, plenty of “gurus” out there)
If you want one night stands, you are going to want to do what Pick Up Artists teach, which is try to create just enough attraction and comfort in a situation to make the girl want to sleep with you (and then do it).
To use a sales comparison, it is like going for a hard sell.
And though hard selling has a bad rap, if you only have a prospect for a limited amount of time AND closing is your priority… hard selling makes sense.
But if you are trying to get more than a quick buck, it doesn’t.
Because as anybody who has been gipped by a fast-talking salesman will attest to, things you buy immediately and under pressure you come to regret.
And even if you don’t “regret” these things – even if there wasn’t pressure and you were just impulsive on your own – buying things immediately makes you lose appreciation for them.
In sales the missing piece to stopping this lack of investment is called “anticipation.”
In dating, however, I simply call it sexual tension.
Sexual Tension And Investment
Sexual tension is the lifeblood of sustained attraction. It is what makes girls obsess over you and it is what makes her invest in you.
Remember that word, because it is the essence of options in the dating world.
If you are not making girls invest in you, you are not making girls really crave you.
Sexual tension is the feeling that makes you get on a girl’s mind, and it’s the feeling that if properly managed makes her run circles in her brain thinking about you.
So you tell me… from the sexual tension perspective, in your generic “we had a good first date” situation, is it better to go for a kiss at the end, or is it better to go up to her, look her in the eye, hold her hand, make her wonder if you’re going to kiss her, and then while smirking, say:
“You’re cute. I had a great time tonight. I’ll be in touch.”
I’ll help you out here: it’s the latter. It leaves no illusions that you could have kissed her, it simply leaves her wondering why you didn’t.
It makes you different, which makes her think about you.
And that makes her like you more.
When Sexual Tension Becomes Bad: Time Constraints And Instinct
Some have disputed this by saying “I went all the way with this girl the first time we met and we started a relationship after” or “sometimes the moment is perfect – what I’m not supposed to do not capitalize on it?”
To both of these critiques, my answers are simple:
Context, context, context.
For instance, if you are on a trip someplace and you meet a girl, and you are both only there for a night… do you really have time NOT to escalate fast?
Time constraints impact ALL decisions.
(which is why, incidentally, Pick Up Artists use “false time constraints” to keep a girl in an interaction)
Every guy who has hooked up with a girl on a vacation knows that not only does the lack of time together make things move faster, but if there’s a connection, it intensifies emotions. This goes double if the location or situation is exotic or unique. This is why we tend to romanticize people we hook up with in “serendipitous” experiences – the magic of the moment changes everything about the courtship process and the way we remember it.
Additionally, people need to understand that while dating principles might be ironclad, how those principles are realized are not.
In other words, sexual tension might be what drives investment, but when to release that sexual tension is not universal. If you are on a first date and you feel that “magic,” sure ignore “the rules,” listen to your instincts, and kiss her.
My point is not and never has been “never kiss a girl on a first date if you want to keep her in your dating pool.” It’s simply been to understand that there are “investment” benefits to drawing out sexual tension, and waiting to kiss often achieves that.
That being said, I’ve kissed on plenty of first dates and it’s been great. But here’s the rub: I never go for it just because I can. I’m constantly feeling out the situation and trusting my (now calibrated) instincts to make sure I’m doing what makes the most sense. So, if your instincts aren’t calibrated yet, you might want to check yourself before pushing forward as much as you can. Cause kissing too early can kill sexual tension permanently. Friendly bit of advice.
But now that that is all out of the way, let’s get to the meat of the issue here. Let’s discuss exactly what happened to my friend (and why things didn’t work out).
Situational Vs General Attraction
What you see is not always what you get. And what you want is not always what she wants.
A girl on a date with a guy might be very flirty, even sexually aggressive with him. But contrary to stereotypes… that girl might want nothing to do with him longterm.
Here’s the thing.
Sometimes girls are lonely or horny, and they just want to have sex.
This is especially true with girls met online, particularly on apps like Tinder where girls have instant access to attractive men.
Believe it or not, a lot of times girls will just want to go on a date and bang afterwords – no drama, no commitment, no questions asked.
This is, incidentally, a major tenet of Pick Up: forget the normies and screen for girls who are down to hook up, and then run your routine, creating a fun, flirty interaction for them.
If a girl’s out to party and open to sex, these Pick Up Guys are perfect because even though things are superficial, they’re fun, and she knows it’s just sex.
Of course, these situations don’t need to be superficial. The interaction can proceed in any number of ways.
What’s relevant is that they are all situational.
Situation Attraction: When a girl is attracted to a guy only in that situation – not in general. When she wants something with him then – not later.
In these situations – especially the more fun, chilled, and attractive you are (that last one is big) – you are only going to shoot yourself in the foot if you don’t escalate. The girl is looking to hook up, and you better oblige – cause if you don’t, I guess it was fun but you wasted her time.
(Note: By hookup I don’t just mean kiss. I mean go all the way. *Just* kissing will mean as little to her as if you hadn’t done anything at all. Remember: it’s one shot, and one shot only.)
It is crucial you learn to read these situations and discern when a girl likes you in general and when she likes you now.
If she likes you now, that means your hot or fun enough to fuck, but not intriguing or trustworthy enough to pursue something more with.
Now, part of this might have nothing to do with you. After all, it simply might be that she has intimacy issues and does this with every guy… or that maybe she’s just not in the right place in life for more than a fling.
But it really doesn’t matter what the “reasons” are. The point remains:
Escalate or Evaporate.
What’s interesting is that if you prove to be a good hook up, she might come back for more later. And who knows – the script might flip. Romantic comedies have had stranger plot twists.
Key for you is to just understand at the time where you stand, and act accordingly.
How To Tell If A Girl Is Only Situationally Attracted To You
To figure out whether a girl is actually attracted to you vs situationally attracted, the first thing you need to look at is the context of the meeting.
- Are you guys staying at a hostel and parting ways in the morning?
- Did you connect on an online site that is heavily geared towards looks?
- Did you meet under the influence of alcohol?
Mind altering substances, low-chances of meeting again, and low-effort required to meet… these are good environmental clues that if a girl likes you, she only likes you then.
The second thing you need to look at is yourself.
- Are you above-average or even exceptionally good looking?
- Are you cool and relaxed but not particularly successful or high-status?
- Are you funny, clever, know how to flirt, but don’t seem particularly serious?
The more of these boxes you check – especially looks – the more likely a girl is going after you just to hook up.
But the final thing you need to look at is her.
- Is she being extremely flirty, even sexually aggressive?
- Is she in a post-break up or transient stage of life?
- Does the banter and attraction almost seem too good to be true?
- Do you guys not really have anything in common?
If you experience any or all of these, you might have found yourself a girl who is horny for you then but has not tagged you at least as being something more.
Women categorize guys subconsciously. If they see potential with you and don’t want to ruin it (or are in the market for something serious), they will tend to apply a “long game” strategy and (try to) put off sex.
Managing the sexual tension over a serious of dates – like I do – is the best way to handle these girls. Yes, you’ll experience some delayed gratification with sex, but you’ll also increase a girl’s investment, and better control of the terms and quality of the relationship down the road.
Just remember – not all girls are “in that system” or looking for something longterm.
Some just want to fuck.
So learn to read the signs, and act accordingly. If you try to play the long game with a girl who wants it now and only now, you’ll both end up losing out.