HOW TO TELL IF YOU HAD A GOOD DATE
A message the other day from one of my clients caught my attention:
“As you know all my dates have been one and dones. I wouldn’t recognize when to attempt to pursue anything beyond a 1st date if it hit me in the face. What indicators (obvious, subtle) would be go-aheads to pursue a 2nd date?”
An excellent question indeed (no wonder – all my clients are so smart)… and one I haven’t written about, either. So I’m glad he brought it to my attention. Being able to tell if you had a good date is a crucial skill if you’re trying to get to the next level with women.
We’re going to dive into some of the “signs” to look for in a minute, but first – a caveat:
“Signs” always need to be calibrated to the person’s personality.
For instance, getting a clearly talkative girl to open up is not necessarily going to tell you much about how great the date was for her. This may just be how she is: it has nothing to do with how interested she is in you. On the other hand, don’t jump to conclusions if a girl was more on the quiet-side. She may have thought the date was great even though she wasn’t chatty – she’s just not like that.
Remember: Understanding women is as much an art as a science.
Learn to hone your own instincts, and make sure you look at indications in the aggregate not isolation. That being said, here are four big clues to look for that generally show you had a good date:
“How To Tell If You Had A Good Date” Sign #1: Bashfulness
I know, “bashful” is a weird, almost anachronistic word to use (it actually reminds of this weird smoothie place at the Jersey Shore, “Bashful Banana”). But really it fits the description perfectly.
Girls that act bashful on a date are basically acting submissive and shy. This means they will be the ones breaking prolonged eye-contact with you, looking down, and acting mildly uncomfortable – especially during silences. This may sound on the surface to be a bad thing, but it is not. When a girl is acting bashful, she is attracted to you. Her bashfulness is just her feminine way of showing it.
So how to you make bashfulness happen?
The key way is to practice the concept of “holding space.”
(Hint: Read As You Are)
“Holding space” is essentially using strong eye contact during the interaction with a girl – with no words being spoken – to “see where she’s at.” In reality, however, “holding space” does more than that – it sub-communicates both self-acceptance and dominance.
When she starts breaking that eye contact during these quiet moments by looking down… blushing, giggling… telling you to “stop,” calling you out timidly on the strength of your eye contact… or, if she speechless, in her head… you are seeing signs of a girl who is feeling awkward sexual tension and is becoming attracted.
(Note: A girl avoiding your eye contact or looking away from you, constantly glancing around the room is a bad sign. This means she does not want to engage with you – she is bored, uncomfortable, or highly distractible. Regardless, it is not going anywhere.)
You should be able to feel the difference between these types of eye contact. But if you want to be certain about the eye contact you’re getting being “bashfulness,” when you get up to leave the date spot (or, if you’re next to each other, at the date spot), lightly but confidently take her hand and hold it in yours. If she naturally or happily complies, then you can be sure you had a good date and you’re going to see her again.
“How To Tell If You Had A Good Date” Sign #2: Flirtation
Flirting is fun. Flirting is sexy.
Flirting is essential if you want to have a good date.
But what exactly is flirting?
I’ll address it more in detail in a separate article, but for now – understand you should be giving her some push/pull; some challenges and some compliments. You should be teasing her. You should be playful with her.
And if you’re doing it right and really connecting, she should be flirting back. She should be laughing, talking a lot, lightly hitting you, and giving you signs of attraction like playing with her hair or giving you “doe eyes.”
Some clever and feisty girls will also will throw your jokes back at you and challenge your wits, a term we call “bantering.” Bantering is great. If you can keep up with these girls (most can’t) then you will really stand out to them… and they to you. (This is related to Chemistry. More below.)
The point is, flirting should be a common part of the interaction, and perhaps the biggest tell that the flirting is working is laughter. She should be laughing, giggling, and smiling frequently throughout your date.
This is especially true if she is laughing when you are saying nothing particularly funny. That means she’s definitely interested in you. Women flirt with guys by laughing at their jokes – if your jokes suck, the laughter means all the more.
In conclusion: Always look for flirting, and always look for laughter. They’re among the best tells you had a good date.
“How To Tell If You Had A Good Date” Sign #3: Investment
Investment is a vague term when it comes to attraction, so allow me to be specific.
Investment is her commitment to being there with you.
It’s her desire to be in the interaction.
Investment is actually first determined prior to the date. You can usually get a read on it based on her text messages. The more she’s into the date – the more responsive, flexible, eager, and accommodating she is – the higher her investment is.
Having investment prior to the date is important. It’s like going into battle having the high ground. Because she’s pre-disposed to be attracted to you, it makes it a lot easier for the date itself to be successful.
But that’s the investment before the date. How do you determine it on the date itself?
One thing to look for is eye contact. She should be making it and maintaining it with you a lot.
(Note: This is not contradictory to Sign #1. Bashfulness precludes being able to maintain eye contact primarily during silence. During conversation, she might be a bit bashful depending on the subject matter, but she should be mostly keeping eye contact with you.)
Additionally, a girl with high investment will also generally be interested in you. She’ll give you focused attention. She’ll be very curious about your world and what you care about. No throw-away questions, no indifferent answers… she’ll be revealing herself and hoping you’ll reveal you too.
Finally, her body language will be mostly “leaning in” towards you. She will look, physically, engaged.
Investment takes some time to get a read on, and is a bit less clear-cut than the others if you’re just starting to understand human dynamics and frame.
But keep a lookout for it – it’s a great sign.
“How To Tell If You Had A Good Date” Sign #4: Chemistry
At the beginning of this piece we noted that good conversation with a chatty girl doesn’t necessarily mean that the date went well.
This is true. Good conversation coupled with investment, tension (creating bashfulness), or flirtatiousness might mean you had a good date, but good conversation by itself doesn’t necessarily mean anything. The date may not have been bad, but it doesn’t mean you created any notable emotions in her towards you.
All bets are off, however, if the conversation is so good… so easy, you start losing track of time.
People call this conversational “flow” all sorts of things. I just call it Chemistry.
When you and another person are “on the same wavelength” and don’t even have to think when you’re talking because talking to them is so natural… you have Chemistry with them.
Chemistry is an incredibly powerful experience to have. Indeed, it is the key to strong attraction.
Chemistry pretty much guarantees a girl will see you again, even if you mess other things up. It’s not all you need for a great romance, but it’s the foundation. And it’s the clearest sign out there that you had a good date.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about exactly yet because you haven’t experienced it, that’s fine. Chemistry comes more easily to some people than others. They key is to keep a warm, open heart towards people and aim primarily to date in your niche.
You’ll feel it someday. And when you do, you’ll know what I mean, instantly.
Truth be told, if Chemistry exists most of the other signs will probably start to come into play naturally. Chemistry is rarely just easy conversation – it’s the full emotional package.
(Sort of. Chemistry has many subsets, but that is not in the scope of this article.)
But Chemistry isn’t needed for a good date. You can attract a girl and date her without Chemistry – and you can be attracted to her without it. You can even fall in love with a girl you don’t have Chemistry with.
Chemistry is sufficient, not necessary in attraction. So don’t get hung up on this last sign.
Bashfulness, flirtatiousness, and investment are more normal clues that you had a good date.
And the more they are found together, the more you know you can move forward to Date #2.
Until next time,